Filed under: ken
It’s odd. Just when I think I am getting life back under control, something happens. Something that makes me realize that life isn’t perfect.
I am a perfectionist, you see. Last year was horrible for me. I tried too hard, and subsequently messed everything up. This year, I vowed to not try so hard and see what would happen. Things started coming together. It was amazing.
People often give me shit about Ken and I. How we are not meant to be. How we don’t work. As if they think that these things aren’t ever on my mind. They are. The problem is, I see this WONDERFUL person, who has had some bad stuff happen to an already fragile ego. I guess, it is the caretaker in me. I see the broken, and really, I just want to fix it.
It’s not even really that he is broken, its that he is not happy, and I can see little slices of the reasons. I want him to be happy. I want him to grow in to the amazingly wonderful, perfect person I know he can be.
How do you make someone see what they don’t want to/don’t know how to see?
I like wordpress. People don’t read my wordpress, save for a few. I am at home in Maryland today. A place I haven’t been all too often lately. Since returning from Missouri, I have been to Pittsburgh twice, and NY once. Next weekend I will be in Pittsburgh again.
Why Pittsburgh, you may ask? I have friends there. People to make the sad and lonely go away. Having BOTH my SOs away is taking a toll on my spirit. As is my ever draining relationship with Ken. Some days are okay. Others, I believe to be an end. I love him. I love him enough that he often crushes the air from my lungs and makes me sob uncontrollably. Deep down, I know I am not what he wants. I patiently wait for the end. I could make it end, but I am not ready. I think making it end is something he needs to do. For both him and me. This makes me unhappy.
I believe Fox will be my enternal love. Never fading, never waivering. Just love. She knows me. Accepts me. Loves me. She is there when I need to mope, there when I am excited, there when I am drunk, always there. Sadly, always there and never here. Perhaps if we are ever in the same place, at the same time, for long enough, we can commence with our handfasting. I was hesitant before, because the idea was offputting to Ken. His opinion matters less, as his devotion fades. Hers remains loyal.
Later, perhaps, I will post about living on my own for the first time. For now, I think some Buffy.
Or there abouts. I am in Saint Louis. Visiting that boys family. It is….okay. They are nice. I like them. They seem to like me. Even though I am mean.
I don’t think I really realize how much I threaten violence/death. These people are not used to violence. I am not sure if maybe the house I grew up in was violent, or what, but *shrug* I threaten death and beatings playfully often. And occasionally as a way to vent anger or displeasure. Fox can attest to this. I used to threaten to throw Ken’s ex-girlfriend off a balcony ALL THE TIME. I’d never actually do it. However, when I had her cornered on a balcony once, I think she thought I might do it.
Missouri is nice. I will have pictures when I come back. Ken is no longer a rockstar. I have pictures of him and his brother, both being rock stars, and then not being rock stars. I went to the zoo. I like penguins. I want a penguin. But I am afraid I would have to keep the air conditioning too high. I dislike the cold. Also, I got an awesome awesome picture of the Arch.
My camera was the best purchase I’ve ever made. I take so many pictures of so many things. I like taking pictures. Hopefully they don’t get too lost anywhere.
I go home on Tuesday, while Ken goes on to Chicago. But that is another post for another day. For now, I’m gonna go harass the dog, and poke the Ken.
❤ Love you.
It seems, while I was slumbering peacefully, my Lovie did some remodelling. I like it.
Anyway, I woke up curious this morning. Why is it that the people I love move away so often? First Lovie to Hawaii (which is like the other side of the world) and now Ken, to Chicago (which is cold and windy….yuck). I am sad about these events, but I understand why they had to happen. Sadly, there are things in the world that are bigger and more important than me (don’t ask me to confirm this when I am drunk).
I am still looking for a job. I had a neat interview yesterday, and they asked for a second interview when I get back from Missouri.
Speaking of Missouri. I am pretty sure I am weirded out by the idea of staying with Ken’s parents/brother for a whole week. I find this odd, because I really liked them over christmas (I even got drunk off wine with his mom). We’ve stayed with his grandparents a few times during trips to NY. But, for some reason staying with his family seems weird. Maybe I’m just being weird.
In other boneheaded news, I lost my nose ring yesterday. I took it out for aforementioned interview, and lost it in my car. I stopped at the mall to replace it. I got the wrong gauge replacement. I spent an hour yesterday in my bathroom with an ice cube trying to get an 18 gauge stud in a hole that previously contained a 20 gauge screw. Its tiny, its pink, it will stay there forever. Or atleast until my nose stops hurting.
I think I’ve written enough for today. ❤
Because I love my Lovie! 